Friday, July 1, 2011

A not really happy birthday

So tomorrow I turn 25. This fact has stirred all kinds of emotions in me, most of which being negative as I recall all of the many broken promises I have made to myself and subsequently the elite few of you I call my fans. I fail day after day to preform for you, my people who I can only hope understand me. I am not going to turn this into yet another forgiveness begging speech, as I have made many of those in the past.
 But as of 4 in the afternoon tomorrow my age can be described as a QUARTER OF A CENTURY. This is a rude awakening for me. Any last little shred of a post high school wannabe teenage creature in me needs to die a painful death as I hurtle toward the next adult step in my life. I need to take things more seriously, not only for the few of you who will read this but for myself. I am not a child anymore. There is no one to blame but myself. I fight tears as I write this, angry at myself and scared of an uncertain future. I don't know if I can make it as an artist, performer, writer, or whatever title I end up wanting, but I owe it to myself to at least try. I have let months pass without a thought. That's the funny thing about time, it doesn't need or want your permission. It will march onward like a trusty soldier whether you want it to or not. And time has started pelting me like a ton of bricks that is just warming up.
I can't and won't promise monumental changes in the way I run things but I would like to. I know myself too well though. I am prone to failure when I take too much at once. I've gone through moments like these feeling like I need to make a mad dash toward maturity but falling short and feeling like I deserve breaks that grow into unwanted ruts. I don't want to do that now. All I want to do is to say I realize I am, as an understatement, flawed. I will try to maintain a basic format for things to get myself in order but try is about the most I can promise. Aside from wrestling with my own procrastinating inner monologue, I am facing many personal demons in my own life.  These things get in the way some times.

I can say I will do what I can though. Changes must be made.

To the few that will read this, you are my muse. I love you all.

1 comment:

  1. Like I said Trai, I think you are amazing and I think you are INCREDIBLY successful. You alone have inspired me beyond words. Without people like you working and sharing your creations and then encouraging me and giving me advice, I would not be where I am now. You have so much influence on me. Just remember that we love you and we all think you are amazing. Cheer up and have a WONDERFUL birthday because you ARE successful and awesome!